麻烦各位帮忙检查一下这篇托福作文的语法错误,When it comes to whether we should require young students to study art and music,the answers of many people may be negative.Because they believe that young children should be taught art

麻烦各位帮忙检查一下这篇托福作文的语法错误,When it comes to whether we should require young students to study art and music,the answers of many people may be negative.Because they believe that young children should be taught art
麻烦各位帮忙检查一下这篇托福作文的语法错误,
When it comes to whether we should require young students to study art and music,the answers of many people may be negative.Because they believe that young children should be taught art courses only when they are interested in it; furthermore,even some parents regard music as merely a waste of time since they hope their children could get high scores and attend a fancy university.However,as far as I’m concerned,I definitely believe that art and music courses should be added into the syllabus of elementary and middle schools and there are two main reasons I would point out below.
First of all,mastering a skill of art is extremely beneficial to young people.For example,through performing in front of many audience,a child can build his confidence and strengthen his courage.Besides,playing musical instruments such as guitar and piano can certainly change a bad mood.I used to play guitar when I was tired or depressed and it would not be long before I felt joyful and energetic again.Therefore,I believe that music can really adjust my mood and cheer me up.
Secondly,although it is true that only those who are interested in arts can finally have a great achievement on it,we may not know about whether our children are into arts or not unless we let them be involved in arts at first.As we all know that because there was no chance to be introduced to music at a young age,many people find themselves are extremely obsessed with music when they grow into adults.If we let them have music lessons when they were young,who can say that they wouldn’t be great musicians in the future?On the other hand,musician is a greatly admirable career and lots of people have made quite a fortune from it.
In conclusion,I strongly suggest that young students should be required to learn music and art,because this would benefit a lot to both themselves and the whole society in the future.Anyway,we don’t want to miss any chance to cultivate great musicians for our society.

麻烦各位帮忙检查一下这篇托福作文的语法错误,When it comes to whether we should require young students to study art and music,the answers of many people may be negative.Because they believe that young children should be taught art
你整篇文章写的很出色,可见语言功底确实了得!
只有极个别失误,或需要替换的表达（原来的表达也不错）,在此注出,权作商榷和学习——
When it comes to whether we should require young students to study art and music,the answers of many people may be negative.Because they believe that young children should be taught art courses only when they are interested in it; furthermore,even some parents regard music as merely a waste of time since they hope their children 【could——can】 get high scores and attend【 a fancy——an ideal】 university.However,as far as I’m concerned,I definitely believe that art and music courses should be added into the syllabus of elementary and middle schools 【and there are two main reasons I would point out below原文也正确,只是用了并列句,使句意衔接不那么紧密.——for such two main reasons as follows 用动词搭配 do sth for ...reason】
First of all,mastering a skill of art is extremely beneficial to young people.For example,through performing in front of many audience,a child can build his confidence and strengthen his courage.Besides,playing musical instruments such as guitar and piano can certainly change a bad mood.I used to play guitar when I was tired or depressed and it would not be long before I felt joyful and energetic again.Therefore,I believe that music can really adjust my mood and cheer me up.
Secondly,although it is true that only those who are interested in 【arts 文科；艺术 ——art 避免歧义】can finally have a great achievement on it,we may not know about whether our children are into arts or not unless we let them be involved in 【arts——art】 at first.【As we all know as 引导的非限制性定语从句】,【that 去掉】because there was no chance to be introduced to music at a young age,many people find themselves 【are去掉,用find的复合结构 】extremely obsessed with music when they 【grow ——have grown 完成时态,语义表达更充分准确】into adults.If we let them have music lessons when they were young,who can say that they wouldn’t be great musicians in the future?On the other hand,【musician 音乐家,与后面的career 词义冲突——music】 is a greatly admirable career and lots of people have made quite a fortune from it.
In conclusion,I strongly suggest that young students should be required to learn music and art,because this would benefit a lot to both themselves and the whole society in the future.Anyway,we don’t want to miss any chance to cultivate great musicians 【and artists添加,以便于上面的music and art 对应】for our society.

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