请雅思大神帮我看看我写的这篇英语作文我感觉自己存在很多问题,请大神帮我看看,我的语法有没有问题,自己写的从句有没有问题,词汇用法有错误么.该删去些什么该添加什么.还有我的段落

请雅思大神帮我看看我写的这篇英语作文我感觉自己存在很多问题,请大神帮我看看,我的语法有没有问题,自己写的从句有没有问题,词汇用法有错误么.该删去些什么该添加什么.还有我的段落
请雅思大神帮我看看我写的这篇英语作文
我感觉自己存在很多问题,请大神帮我看看,我的语法有没有问题,自己写的从句有没有问题,词汇用法有错误么.该删去些什么该添加什么.还有我的段落怎么样,是不是有点头重脚轻..上文章
In the contemporary society,with the rapid increase of science technology and the advancement of human being`s living standard that a great number of hi-techs have invented which caused the children can play with them rather than do the housework ,so many parents want their children to do something at the expense of money .When it comes to this issue others hold the opinion that do the work without paying as a valuable work experience can enhance their responsibility.As for me,I strongly side with the former one which can keep the children know that working is the key to success.
Many examples have proved that a host of successful businessmen when they were young,they had done more or less jobs for money ,after that,they became more enterprising industrious and ambitious,for these factors facilitated their accomplishments in the fulture.Therefore,in some countries parents encouraged their children to earn money when they were even young.Another reason ,the young guys have strong curiousness contribute to that it is not easy to establish their responsibility.Nevertheless,motivating them to work is surely an excellent choice.
Somewhat importantly,during the earning period,they can also get the valuable work experience and the responsibility ,in other words ,the difference between paying work and unpaying work is the “initiative” ,and the children will be more initiative to work which could give them benefits ,while the initiative can absolutely cause the force.
In summary ,do not only believe that the experience and responsibility are always the first ,toward this situation ,we may change our methods often be used before ,to let the children themselves realized the happiness and achievement from their hardworking.
请人点评啊..................................................

请雅思大神帮我看看我写的这篇英语作文我感觉自己存在很多问题,请大神帮我看看,我的语法有没有问题,自己写的从句有没有问题,词汇用法有错误么.该删去些什么该添加什么.还有我的段落
In the contemporary society,with the rapid increase of science technology and the advancement of human being`s living standard that a great number of hi-techs have (要加 been) invented (,which之前一定要加一个逗号) which (caused 改为 are causing) the children (can改为 to) play with them rather than do (the 改为 thier) housework (,so 句子已完整,用句号,新句子开头,so 要大写So 要大写 .So) many parents want their children to do something at the expense of money .When it comes to this issue(加 ,which) others hold the opinion that do the work without paying as a valuable work experience can enhance their responsibility.As for me,I strongly side with the former one which can (keep 改为 let) the children know that working is the key to success.
Many examples have proved that a host of successful businessmen (when they were young,they had done more or less jobs for money 这段要掉转来写而且要去掉第二个they:had done more or less jobs for money when they were young.)after (After) that,they became more enterprising industrious and ambitious,for these factors facilitated their accomplishments in the fulture.Therefore,in some countries(,) parents encouraged their children to earn money when they were(去掉 even 或改为 very) young.Another reason ,( the young guys 改为 young people) have strong (curiousness 好奇心是:curiosity,which) contribute(s) to that it is not easy to establish their responsibilit(y)(ies).Nevertheless,motivating them to work is surely an excellent choice.
Somewhat importantly,during the earning period,they can also get the valuable work experience and (加 understand about) the responsibilit(y)(ies) ,in other words ,the difference between paying work and unpaying work is the “initiative” ,and the children will be more initiative to work which could give them benefits ,while the initiative can absolutely cause the (force 改为 effects of motivation).
In summary ,do not only believe that the experience and responsibility are always the first ,toward(s) this situation ,we may change our methods often (be 改为 ,which have been) used before ,to let the children themselves realized the happiness and achievement from their hardworking.
文章结构甚好,很有内容,我已替你依次序更正好了一些小错,并祝你学业进步!