高中英语作文评分（请高中英语教师进）这是即将要高三的一次模拟考,作文自己写好(无修改,一气呵成）但是没人评分,望各位老师评一下分并且写下您的观点和修改建议. It was Grandpa`s bir

高中英语作文评分（请高中英语教师进）这是即将要高三的一次模拟考,作文自己写好(无修改,一气呵成）但是没人评分,望各位老师评一下分并且写下您的观点和修改建议. It was Grandpa`s bir
高中英语作文评分（请高中英语教师进）
这是即将要高三的一次模拟考,作文自己写好(无修改,一气呵成）但是没人评分,望各位老师评一下分并且写下您的观点和修改建议.


      It was Grandpa`s birthday party .Children ignored their grandpa ,playing their mobile phone all the time,grandpa signed and hearing their laughter,walked to his room lonely.It is we children who are often doing our business at  parents` or grandparents`s parties.There is  no denying that we ignore chat with our grandparents.What they need is a warm talk ,so how should we do at that party?here are some tips.
     Firstly,never play your mobile phone during a party,if possible ,shut it off .Next ,trying to talk with our grandpa is of great significance.Nevertheless,you`d better not talk them with some short words ,which will hurt their minds ,too.Futhermore ,we ought to drink with our grandparents ,it is a symbol of love .Lastly ,smiling to our grandparents is good .
     Such being this case ,  we will never make our grandparents lonely.

高中英语作文评分（请高中英语教师进）这是即将要高三的一次模拟考,作文自己写好(无修改,一气呵成）但是没人评分,望各位老师评一下分并且写下您的观点和修改建议. It was Grandpa`s bir
It was Grandpa`sbirthday party. Children ignored their grandpa, playing their mobile phone allthe time,① grandpa signed and hearing② their laughter, walked ③to his room lonely. （描述事件）It is we children who are often doing our business at parents` or grandparents`s④ parties. There is no denying that we ignore chat⑤ with our grandparents. （分析现象）What they need is a warm talk, so how should we do atthat party? here⑥ are some tips.
Firstly, never play your mobile phone during a party, if possible, shut it off.Next, trying to talk with our grandpa isof great significance. Nevertheless,you`d better not talk them with some short words, which will hurt their minds, too.Futhermore,⑦ we ought to drink ⑧with our grandparents, it is a symbol oflove. Lastly, smiling to our grandparents is good.（提出建议）
Such being this case, we will never make our grandparents lonely.
首先是评分问题：（本人参与过高考作文阅卷,按13年标准）
高考作文25分共5档；初次阅读后给我印象在四档（16-20分）
本文谓语及非谓语使用错误2处,扣1分；拼写错误两处,扣1分；语法、大小写、用词不当各一处,扣1.5；另外字数方面多余或少于规定字数20个也在总分中扣去2分；综上,本文得分16—17分.
一、审题：三个要点：描述事件、分析现象、提出建议,作者在三方面均有涉及,基本分可以拿到.（14分）
遗憾的是,分析欠深入,建议着墨稍多.
二、结构：明显头重脚轻,影响阅卷人第一印象.应将篇幅布局匀称化.
三、扣分点：
①：此处缺连词,衔接不当,补上 in the meanwhile
②应用heard
③应用walking 非谓语的运用要逻辑缜密
④多了一个s
⑤ignore doing sth.
⑥大写
⑦拼写错误,应为furthermore
⑧drink 用的不够恰当
四、亮点
强调结构、同位语、高级词汇significance,知道用nevertheless替换however 也很不错,这也是本文可以进入四档作文的原因.
五、建议：
①分析深入些
②合理布局结构
③修正基本语法错误（阅卷时一处扣0.5）
④尝试使用倒装、定语从句,有能力的可考虑独立主格
⑤将衔接词换的新颖些：如 to commence with ,on top of that, additionally,等等